Wednesday, June 22, 2011


i would like to share about my wants:

eye doctor, contact lenses, and new lenses for my scratched glasses


king-sized bed

yearly, guilt-free, paid vacations.

never to move again, except to our own house "in the country"

new couch

$1,000 in bank account, $2,000 in savings, always.

a good, steady job for my husband


money for healthy food, time for cleaning

stability for my family

to be slim and fit.

things i most desire on this list:
good job for husband
slim and fit

i know this is mostly money related, but i feel it is okay to list my desires.

on a lighter note, i had good sleep last night!!!!!

on an exciting note, in 40 minutes my bf will be on nbc live about her opera!! too bad i can't watch it live.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

grumpy grumperson

Je dois avouer que je suis assez grognon si je ne dors pas assez.

just wanting to cry like a four year old child who needs a nap and a long hug.
so tired. so sad. almost angry about it.
want it to be 9 PM tonight already.

it's the Summer Solstice :) the longest day of the year
(solstice at 12.16 local time)
a day of celebration and enjoyment.

so what if you were in the hot tub at 4 A.M. trying to wake up for your first of two jobs (a long long work day followed by some brutal working out.)  at least you got to see how the night sky was losing it's nightness. and then by 5:15 how dawn appeared as you went to work. not to mention, you got to be in a hot tub!! (not ours.)

insert bitterness bit here: okay, wait, don't. it will only depress the audience, cause them to have bad thoughts about me and others, and only provide a small amount of laughter.

AND i am sitting on my bottom at work. it could be worse, i could be waitressing or something.
a lot of things could be worse.
(hmm...see previous post, a lot of things aren't, though.) i wasn't planning on it but it looks like i have to do the lunch-break run and hope i make it back in time.
(might rain later, i can't chance it.)

also, mainly depressed because i had numerical realizations last night about how fat i am.
well, say goodbye fat, because i am leaving you behind. i don't know how you snuck up on me like that.
(perhaps it was...depression, food, alcohol, thinking an hour of walking is as good as running for 30 minutes, depression, food, alcohol, saying yes to dessert, depression, lack of sleep, metabolism change,etc.)

Thursday, June 16, 2011

to the woman who kidnapped by husband's son

give him back.

you are the most selfish person i have ever encountered or even heard about.

i pray that your eyes will be opened to the truth.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


i think i realized why it is i am so often annoyed by people (as compared to before, when i never experienced this problem.)

lacking grace for other people.
not overlooking faults, differences, being rude, being stupid, etc.

funny how during the time i received the most grace, i lost the grace i had for others.

will gain it back.

beets and mussels

a good lunch.

and then i had coffee.

(beets from my garden. so perfect.)
if only i were in australia and had harvested the mussels myself.

post script
 60 grams of protein in what i ate. but craving carbs.


a co-worker from downstairs just said, "you have a nice shape"
thanks, honey.
now if i can only look good in that sleeveless black dress :)

on a different note:
slightly concerned about what appears to be hair loss above my right ear.
notice it when i pull my hair back.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


finally finished reading PROUST WAS A NEUROSCIENTIST. immediately wanted to turn to the introduction and start again. i had the privilege of hearing mr. lehrer speak about three years ago. he was inspirational, passionate, genius, and down-to-earth. after reading his book i decided his mind is so well-balanced and his thought process is amazing. oh, and another thing, he is SO young. i can only imagine what he will do in the future. when i saw him speak half the time i was thinking, "who is this kid, and how the hell did he get so smart?" moving on. he divides the book into several chapters, each analyzing a historical figure and his/her early, unproven discovery about the arts: walt whitman,  george eliot, auguste escoffier, marcel proust, paul cezanne, igor stravinsky, gertrude stein, & virginia woolf. I must say that on the second chapter (eliot) i became a bit bored. however, after that, i was enthralled. especially with escoffier, proust, stravinsky, and woolf. lehrer showed how all of these artists made huge discoveries or observations about the mind, body, thought process, soul, etc, and how later (even just in this century), neuroscience proved their theories/observations. to the exact! electrifying to think that each of these avant-garde artists (and so many others) lived on a different plane than their peers. sad that most of them didn't live to see their thoughts proven.  i think i AM going to re-read it immediately. lehrer's words, passion, vocabulary (sometimes complex) and genius both inspire and inform. try him out.  :)


my husband often sends me sweet texts throughout the day... beautiful words.
they make me feel giddy, happy, and loved.

he is good to me.  :)

speaking of an older woman

(see post below for reference)

this morning i came out of the IRS office to find a lady seated on a cement post. she had a lovely bouquet of flowers, about which i proclaimed, "oh! i love your flowers" but not before she told me she loved me.
and after i had spoken, again, she said LOVE YOU.
i kept walking and as i did, i wished i would have said I LOVE YOU, TOO

description: gorgeous black skin, probably 60s, red hat, flowery skirt, dark shirt, and of course, the flowers.

when i was safe inside my car i saw that she was headed somewhere on foot.
a couple of hours later i saw her sitting at sonic enjoying herself.

i am looking forward to seeing her again.


just this morning i talked with a co-worker about how we share a love for powder. baby powder.
so after my run (it was an early shift at the hotel when we talked), i took it to a whole new level.
and put it in my hair.
but part of it is still in there, so i just look like an older woman.

Monday, June 13, 2011


have i talked about my running?
i am on week four of running every day. and my legs are tired.
also due to my bootcamp workouts. which are definitely great, and so cheap with my livingsocial deal.

so, my running schedule was made out for 3 months (because my friend LORI wanted to do it 3 months) and then i was thinking, i should do the tri in arkadelphia. and i looked it up and it is the day after the 3 months!!!

so i am planning on coming up with the $55 entry fee, and sweating it out 21 august. even on my mountain bike because i have no road bike. (my friend mark, see previous dinner post, said i could put some smaller tires on it and that should help.)

i am enjoying the working out. for sure :)

father's day presents

no ideas.

our friends

our friends had us over for dinner last night. again.
they are so generous.

here's what we had:

pistachios and a super good wine for an aperitif
chardonnay with dinner, which was:
roasted tomatoes, eggplant, potato wedges...with garlic and rosemary
a summery salad of mango, avocado, green onion, basil, and tomato. no garlic added, but jill cut the fruits and veggies on the cutting board she used for garlic. clever.
sauteed onion and was it zucchini...i can't remember. with chicken.


then for dessert, more wine, hot tea, and homeade cheesecake that we shared. (one slice leftover from some that my husband brought them last week. with malt and chocolate sauce.) i ate the malt by the spoonful.

it good. great food, beautiful company, good feelings.  :)
and our good friends who sat nearby, tinkerbell ad nipper.


i love the feeling of completion.
whether little or large, it feels so good to accomplish something.

--my new addiction, online jigsaw puzzles
--cleaning the catbox
--cleaning the kitchen
--cleaning anything
--finishing a book
--finishing a glass of wine :)
--exercising and meeting  my goal
--finishing my "to-do" list
--even just lying in bed thinking about how the day is done. and i can rest. (well, ideally rest)
--organizing anything
--planning anything
--paying bills

what about you? anything else?

what happened to your nose?

did you skin your nose?
what's on your nose?
what happened?

lately i have been taking off my glasses quite often.
i guess they usually conceal my smudge.
smudge came when i was about three. i can't remember what it is called.
i call it an "under the skin rash" but my mother says that's not correct.
it looks like broken blood vessels compacted together.

anyway, i am sick of people asking about it.
every so often, people i had known for years would just notice it.
once a girl i had known for 5 years asked if i got sunburned on a ski trip.


i have to respond "oh, it's always there. been there since i was three. i like it. it's my smudge"

oh, and it could be removed with a laser, supposedly.
although my friend has a similar spot (called "zap") and her mom made her get it removed with a laser.
the laser went "zap" and the spot came back (larger) a few days later.
she likes it, too, but does conceal it with makeup.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

i also found

one gorgeous dollar bill in a parking lot this morning at 8.10 am.

(also looked for more...)


look what i found!

actually a co-worker showed me yesterday...

it is wonderful. i love doing it and may become addicted. not to mention, great in itself.

:)  :)  try it

warning:  level 3 hard.

Monday, June 6, 2011

the garden and the heat.

surely i have talked about my garden. i love it. my garden is one of my favorite things. ever.
dream fulfilled.

my baby okra plants are enjoying the heat and growing. pulled beets and carrots, will enjoy them tonight.
tomatoes and cucumbers are thriving. will probably start picking in about 3-4 weeks.

makes me so happy to visit and talk to them and water them. i always want to keep watering forever.
(probably wouldn't hurt in this heat.)
i choose not to think about bad things that could happen to my babies. (like beetles or racoons or anything,)

speaking of heat, my shoulders and forehead are becoming SO TAN from my runs. i mean, i am not outside all that long...i can only imagine what i will look like by the end of the summer when i am running for longer periods of time. maybe like that summer after 11th (10th?) grade. i'll also take that body, please. looked like an indian princess. thought i was big and ugly. sigh.


this morning i slept in, which was wonderful. my husband did, too, and sir charles was stretched out on the bed next to me, so we looked like 3 kids sharing a (double) bed. pretty cute.

so i rushed a bit (after a strange breakfast including carrots and coffee with milk/sugar) and made it to work on time! i did have to re-braid my hair and wash my face here, though.

then at lunchtime, i went home, ran, showered, and made it back on time (still sweating.)
even though it was only about 96 heat index, it felt like the i even hydrated a lot yesterday and today.

but on my third week of running every day and loving it, and finally starting to notice some fat-loss.

on a different note, after interacting with a co-worker...

i am sure i have mentioned this before, but i used to like EVERYBODY. now i don't. what is my problem? jaded? lack of good sleep? it's like i am not only immediately irritated, but i also instantly recall all unpleasant encounters and my annoy-o-meter rises which each passing second. hoping that they will stop talking to me, asking stupid questions, notice the lack of a smile on my face, and go away.


carson mcullers

just finished THE HEART IS A LONELY HUNTER again. first time i read it was about 6 years ago.
i love it. the character development, the different narrarators, simple vocabulary.
time period, the south, genius thoughts.

she was only 23 when she wrote it. i can't even fathom it. similar to anne frank. i mean, what were those minds thinking, seeing, absorbing all those years to become so wise and developed?

wishing i were a writer. i think i could like that life. should have started years ago when i still had a mind.

Friday, June 3, 2011


tomorrow! 12.30 pm!!!

my therapist sometimes try to TALK to me. so i try to mention that i just want a quiet, healing massage so she won't.

shouldn't that be day one in massage school???


2 nights this week i slept through the night...and it was magical.

how do people feel who always get to sleep unawakened? or at least have a reason
to wake up in the night?

for me there is no reason, and no remedy.
just something i have to live with, and then i appreciate more the gift when i receive it.

sort of like showering after a long period without.

liza minneli

i work with a woman who speaks just like liza minneli.
and i want to ask her, "does everyone tell you this? why do you speak this way?"

i LOVE it and try to get her to talk as much as possible when she is around me.


there is no excuse for my absence. one day i couldn't sign into my account and after that i was lazy.

i saw a bit on the today show this morning about people with PICA. pika? spelling?
and there is this woman who loves corn starch. i can understand. often i want to eat chalk (the soft kind)
and dirt always looks good to me. and sand, definitely sand.

i don't think i have that problem, though, because i don't actually do it. much.

you know those days when you get the mean reds?

you know those days when you get the mean reds?...

the blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

i think many don't.